thefutureisred

Marriage By the Numbers: Celebrating Our First Fifteen Years

I recently wrote an article for a new Matador Life  series, Love In the Time of Matador. There, I talk about how to manage a long term relationship, a subject that is impossible to quantify. Other parts of a relationship can be laid out in numbers.

So here on this 15th anniversary of our wedding, I give you the following.

 

Hours together: 128,976

Number of days we've spent away from each other: 101 

Number of Children: One

Fights over the years: 10 main themes with variations on each repeating.

Places Lived Together: Six. Brooklyn, Buffalo, Bocas del Toro, Buenos Aires, Salta and Atlanta.

Pets we've had: Eight. Not including various fish, that's two iguanas, two snakes, two cats and two dogs.

Countries we've traveled together: 18.

Discussions about Israeli politics: Too many to count.

Yoga classes we've attended: Two. (I say one. Noah thinks three. I took the average.)

Cost of our first international flight: $350.00 We found a cheap ticket on Pakistan International Air that allowed us to fly into any one of ten European cities and leave from any other. We flew into Paris then took the train to Amsterdam. This was our honeymoon.

Jobs we've had including website designer for MTV News, data analyst for Lamont Doherty Earth Observatory, researching mating habits of naked mole rats and teaching poetry to NYC public school 8th graders: 10

Couches we've owned: 2

DVD's in media storage folders sitting in my parents house: 800 (If you want some, let me know. Just don't tell Noah.)

Boxes of photos in storage: One. We didn't take many photos until Noah's sister gave us a digital camera when Lila was born. Thus, not much photographic evidence prior to that. Even with the digital camera, we rarely take photos of the two of us, because it's usually one of us behind the camera. This one, I think taken by Lila, may well one day make her cringe. For now, she thinks it's sweet.

Times we could have used a reset button: 3

Years to go? Only time will tell.

Happy Anniversary, Noah! Now I'm logging off for the rest of the weekend so we can celebrate!

Five Steps To Banish Chaos & Get Your Life In Order

 

I wrote this post already. I wrote it on Saturday night, and it was a doozy of a post. One of those great posts that just slips from my fingers to paper like water. It was well written, poignant and said everything I wanted to say in just the way I wanted to say it.

Then when I go to copy and paste the text into Typepad this morning so I can publish it as a blog post, the article disappears. Totally gone. It’s not in previous documents. I didn’t save it online. It’s just gone.

Enter frustration and anger.

I kick myself for not making sure to save it carefully. All the other documents I had open when I wrote it are still there. This one Very Important Post? Not there. Who has time to write the same article twice?

The post I wrote was all about forging order and balance in a world that will never be truly under control, and the irony of such doesn't escape me. 

It all started Saturday night as I was catching up on blog reading. I have a section in my Google Reader called Inspirational Blogs. It’s not that they are the blogs from which I draw my greatest inspiration as such, but more a description of a type of blog genre.

Blogs To Help You Find Yourself In 10 Easy Steps

50 Inspirational Sayings To Help Let Go Of Attachment, Find & Open Your Heart Shakras

How To Break Free From Bad Habits & Learn To Rule the World.

It’s not that I don’t find value in posts such as these. Websites like Leo Barbauta’s Zen Habits and Chris Gillebeau’s The Art of Nonconformity are fabulous.  You’ll always find great information to help you reorganize, order and breath through difficult spots.

What frustrates me about them is they give the impression that the writers of those articles are always under control of everything in their lives. From what I read, I’d believe they exercise every day, meditate, do yoga, finish their work, get the best deals on all flights. Their kids never whine. Their meals, always balanced and their inboxes always empty.

Not me. Not even close.

I have four different mailboxes. Couchsurfing. Google for Matador. One I use for The Future Is Red and then another mailbox I use for e-mail subscriptions. Let's also not forget Facebook and Skype. Each is teeming full.

I remember reading on Tim Ferris’ website how the number one rule of keeping order in your e-mail box is never use it as a file cabinet. All of mine are file cabinets.

Me? I have a to do list a mile long and I probably spend more time than I should searching for things I should have put away where they were supposed to go. Only I wasn’t really sure where they were supposed to go because my to do list has so many variables, each item would go in a place of its own, which doesn’t really organize anything. It only forces me to add Organize Files to my to do list.

Perhaps there are many people who are able to find that serene sense of order that  eludes me. I have simply come to the conclusion that I must accept the chaos and learn to exist with it.

Thus, I have developed My Own Personal Rules of Dealing With Chaos & Imperfection.

1. There will always be more to do. 
2. It will all eventually get done.
3. That which doesn’t get done, probably didn’t need to be done in the first place.
4. If I forget something, it won’t matter too much.
5. If it does matter a lot, I will deal with it.

Today, Noah took Lila to school only to find today she has no school which made having our regular Monday morning meeting over Skype with an education consultant in NY difficult. So we set Lila up in our bedroom with a movie – proving exactly how fantastic Mr Fox can actually be. Then the dog starts barking halfway through. Lila sweetly lets him in the house when she comes into the kitchen to pour herself another bowl of cornflakes.

I put him on my lap in an attempt to calm him down. It doesn’t work. Then our internet gets fuzzy.

Meeting ends early because of all the noise and our internet line goes completely down. The dog, somehow miraculously shits on the floor in the five minutes he was in the house even though he was on my lap most of the time. I revive the internet and go to publish my amazing article written Saturday night only to find it has disappeared.

Bottom line, no matter how much I get under control, I will never be able to get my head around everything. There will always be something that goes beyond my capacity.

But it is not the end of the world, and I am not perfect.

And that is fine with me.

P.S. If I ever do find my first, wonderfully perfect article, I'll be sure to post it here.

Photos by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino and Quinn.Anya

How-To Blog When PR & Marketing Just Aren't Your Bag

Call it a taste of sour grapes, call it what you want, but the state of blogging frustrates me. Then again, maybe I simply need to figure out the real reasons why I blog.

This past week, we had three sets of travel bloggers staying with us. Dan & Audrey from Uncornered Market, Jason & Aracely from Two Backpackers and Craig & Linda Martin from Indie Travel Podcast. So of course, the topic of blogging, the travel blog community and the ins-and-outs of running a successful blog dominated at least some of the conversation.

My opinion? I'm frustrated. Too often it seems that content takes second seat to marketing and public relations. A recent article on Problogger titled Poor Bloggers Focus Too Much On Blog Posts highlights this further saying content should generally be only about one-third of your focus if you choose to actually support yourself with blogging.

As a writer, I find this depressing. 

Beyond that, I may not support myself through my blog, but I most certainly do not consider myself "poor" in quality or in what I get in return from this blog.

Is it really more about how many Twitter followers you have, the reach of your StumbleUpon subscribers and the number of your RSS feed?

If so, often the things required of you to up your numbers appear disingenuous. Say you're a dedicated travel blogger, someone who writes at least one post a week and reads other travel blogs to stay abreast of what's being said and done out there in the world of travel blogging.

Now ask that travel blogger how many posts they read where they know a majority of the other commenters because, not a surprise, they're also travel bloggers. I've written about this before when I asked the question if maybe, just perhaps, travel blogging has jumped the shark.

What are the reasons you blog?

As with so many things in life, it all comes down to expectation. Why do you blog? There are so many possible reasons.

To support yourself and your travels.

To be part of a community.

To be read.

To publicize work you do outside of (travel) blogging.

To present your opinions and ideas.

To meet other travelers.

I don't think any one way is de facto better or worse than another if you are clear about what and why you're doing it. But each way of blogging brings with it certain realities and consequences.

If you blog to support yourself, you must also market and publicize yourself. For many of us, that means doing things that we'd perhaps rather not do. If you blog simply to meet other people and choose to forgo the marketing and commenting inherent to that, you accept that it's unlikely you'll have as much traffic as a well publicized site no matter how stellar your content.

Why Do I Blog?

Three main reasons.

The first: To connect with other bloggers, travelers.

Right now, we have seven people staying with us, four of whom blog. Last week, Uncornered Market was here too. It is unlikely I would have met any of these people without my blog and time spent on Twitter. That would be a shame.

We have a lot in common. We travel. We blog. We enjoy long dinners with wine and as travelers tend to have a similar laid back outlook on life.

Another thing? Travelers tend to be fantastic guests. They're mellow, respectful, help out and always offer to replace whatever it is they use.

The second reason: I'm a writer, and I want people to read my writing.

I admit, I don't spend enough time on Feedburner or any of the other statistics counters -- another must-do if you want to do this professionally -- to know how many people read my blog. If it's 100 people who regularly read my writing, then I am happy.

The third: To connect with people outside my daily life.

Every week, I receive e-mails from readers letting me know what's going on in their lives. . You are the people who choose to spend your time reading what I have to say for no other reason than you want to. It is humbling.

I often have to remind myself of these reasons.

Sometimes, I forget myself and begin to wonder why I don't find myself appearing on lists of popular bloggers. Or why some weeks I don't have as many hits as others. Too often, I feel pressure to comment more, market and publicize.

It stresses me out because I have other projects, a family, things I enjoy doing in my real life, and I really don't know where I can find the time to do these things I ultimately don't want to do.

Marketing and PR are not my forte. Of course, I could decide that I do want to support myself blogging and learn the trade anyway. But I decided to go a different direction. I blog for my reasons. It works for me. For now.

After all is said and done, what are your reasons for blogging?

Photos by meddygarnet & antigone78.

Sharing Thoughts From Women Worldwide for International Women's Day

I originally had another post planned for today. It's already written, just waiting to be published. Then I remembered that March 8th is International Women's Day. So I decided, instead, to share something very special with you.

Uncornered Market, a blog written by Daniel Noll and Audrey Scott. I often mention them in many different contexts. Today, they posted a slide show today of Women of the World -- faces of women from the Andes to Uzbekistan. Mothers, children, grandmothers. Daughters.

That's Audrey in the center. I love how this photo so clearly makes the statement that she, too, is a woman of this world.

Some other links and tidbits I'd like to share for today:

10 Things You Need To Know About International Women's Day shared with my by Candice Walsh

Gendercide: The War On Baby Girls shared by Abbie Kearse

Che Che Cole Makossa by Antibalas feature Mayra Vega shared by Erika Clarke

Morning Walk in Bangkok shared by Aye GotPassport

African Burial Ground in NYC (Yep!) shared by Julie Shwietert

Remembering Colorado...Oh Mi Amor shared by Laura Bernhein

These are just some of the things that show the interest, love, passion and commitment of the many women I know. There are so many more.

Please share your own links here too!

Feliz Dia de la Mujer!

Family Guy's Consuela: A Force Stronger Than the Dark Side

As you probably already know, I haven't posted in quite a while. What have I been doing? Watching Family Guy. Lots and lots of Family Guy.

So much so that my current cultural reference takes me back to Family Guy in just about every possible situation. Parenting. Eating. Basically, anything you mention will bring a response invariably starting with "Did you see that Family Guy episode where...."

Today, though, I am obsessed with Consuela, the Spanish speaking maid who does what she wants, when she wants and no one can ask her to do anything else.

Well, I guess you can ask her, but you'll get the same answer "No. No."  And always softly spoken but somehow unmistakably letting you know that no matter who you think you are -- even Lord Darth Vader -- Consuela will overcome.

We could all learn a little something from Consuela.

Why Is It So Difficult To Find Happiness & Balance In Life?

Please excuse my appearance, but I’m completely off balance these days. I thought I had it all together, thought I finally had a grasp on things but no. My proverbial plate is too full.  I’m not quite sure how it filled so quickly and now the damn thing has overflowed.

Life on the road can be stressful, mainly because you never quite know what will happen next, but life in one place?  Turns out the switch between traveler and expat hit me much harder than I could have expected.  Now we have a lease on a house, Lila’s in school, and we have work. We are committed. In some ways, that’s really lovely, something I found myself dearly craving after so long without a place to call home.

Emmanuelle Archer, a professional expat I met through Twitter read my last World Blog Surf Day post and recognized the expat melancholy. She e-mailed me to express concern and offer a listening ear. Emmanuelle’s website, Winning Away Expat Tips and Resources, offers a wide assortment of advice, outlook and resources to help adjust to your new country and life.

Of course, I’ve been so busy trying to settle in, work, get the house cleaned and liveable, find my way around, meet people, locate doctors for the family, I haven’t written back.  I’m pulled in so many directions I don’t even know where to go first.

Then there’s my new job at Matador. It’s quite an amazing experience. I’m meeting creative, interesting people, honing my writing skills. I’m learning loads about search engine optimization, writing articles that bring big hits and producing (hopefully) quality pieces in short time. Matador has opened up my writing and teaching career in new wonderful ways.

It’s also my first so-called real job since before Lila was born. The pace is wicked fast, and I too often feel I’m struggling to keep up. I now have daily deadlines and people who will ask questions if they are not met. In many ways, Matador pulls me back into the I-need-it-all-and-I-need-it-now world I wanted to escape when we chose to leave New York.

Thus my life feels like triage. I run from one line of my to-do list to the next, never quite paying complete attention to anything and never finding time to properly rest. Ironic, I think, given that what I write for Matador is all about finding balance and thriving when you’re not on vacation. On the job training, I suppose.

So Why Is This and What Can We Do?

As I’ve struggled with all this, I’ve come up with four different reasons why life balance -- too often happiness as well -- eludes us.

We’re searching for something missing in our lives.

This is how I felt when living in NYC. Not at first, mind you. The city challenged me, but after ten years there, I no longer enjoyed it the choices I'd made for my life. I felt stuck, angry, uncomfortable. I just wanted to be free. 

We spent the last three years searching and have since found ourselves in a wonderful new city, where the people are perhaps the kindest, most helpful and most decent I have ever met. My work is going well. Lila is happy with school and friends. Noah and I have new projects on the horizon, and all seems well.

I have everything I could want, so why so unhappy little bear?

We're adjusting to something new.

I recently saw Facebook status update from Paulo Coelho saying: Change is part of life. Friction is part of change. Get used to it.

Yes, change is a part of life, and often the good, happy sort takes as much adjustment as the really hard painful kind. Perhaps the key is to simply, as Coelho suggests, accept it. Let it just exist and eventually, friction wears down to comfort again.

We Need Something New

So it stands to reason, that if change is a normal healthy part oflife, if you’re not changing, you’re stagnating and thus will feel friction from that as well. Sort of can’t win on the happiness train, can you? Then again, it’s not really so much about winning as it is realizing that life is a cycle of constant movement.

This is different from my first point in that you can have everything you want in your life, nothing is missing, but you are searching for change. Many times, you simply need to shake things up before going back to your life as it was.

We Always Want More, More, More

You’re thinking of the future and past, what you used to have, what you hope to have. You look at your life, house, career, spouse and  friends seeing what isn’t there, what could be, what used to be. Worst of all, when you turn this eye on yourself, the criticism will be the most harsh.

While happiness isn't something we can expect to have every moment of every day of our lives, at times sadness is necessary, this sort of thinking will leave us permanently dissatisfied. Unless you break away from this cycle, you’ll never find those crucial moments of rest and happiness.

So Where Do I Go From Here?

I sit here at home typing with a gentle breeze blowing through the kitchen, birds of all ilk chirping and still I wonder to why I can't shake this feeling. I don't feel myself anymore.

Then I realize, perhaps it is not that I am somehow not myself. Instead, there is a part of me that will always remain off balance until I make the clear choice to shift my thinking.

"How?" you may wonder. Well, first step is recognizing why you feel the way you do. Then you can start making a change.

DISCUSSION POINT: Where are you in the spectrum I describe here? And what do you do to make changes in your life? Or maybe you're one of the few, the proud, the content to be where they are. Perhaps you have some tips to share with the rest of us.

Photos courtesy of pinksherbert, dawnashley and aeu04117's flickerstreams.

Five Reasons To Face Your Fears Right Now

I went skiing this week for the first time.  Oh, did I mention I am absolutely petrified of skiing?

The thought of standing at the top of a slippery mountain with enormous foot extensions fills me with a terror I can’t quite explain. My mind sees an edge of snow, but beyond that, my fear doesn’t have an end. It is irrational. And while the fear sliding out of control straight down to an untimely death is a natural, healthy one, mine related to skiing is not. 

Thus, I decided this would be my week to overcome my fears as we visited Chapelco Ski Resort in San Martin de los Andes, Patagonia.  So Noah and I began down an easy green path that extends from the top of the first chair lift down the mountain approximately 1000 meters. The first run took almost two hours. I slid back and forth, fell over and over and over, polled myself in the throat a couple times and at least once was brought to tears. 

Here’s what I realized:

Falling Is Important

Yes, it hurt. It was humiliating, too, as I slumped in the snow flopping around with my polls attempting  to get up as small children flew past having a grand old time. Ultimately, though, I learned not only how to fall, I learned to get up again. It also showed me that whatever the horror, pain and anguish of what I imagined falling while skiing to be, the reality wasn’t anywhere near as bad. It was actually manageable.

Fear Evaporates Far More Quickly Then You’d Imagine

The second time I went down the same slope took 20 minute, and the spots that terrified me on first sight, suddenly didn’t bother me at all. What once made me panic and fall, now was just a simple slope that I zipped left, then right and moved on with my life.

What Will I Tell Lila?

I want Lila to live as full and free a life as possible. How could I possibly explain to her that while, yes, I think she should take ski lessons and learn a new skill that I can’t. “Why not mommy?” she’s sure to ask. Then, do I lie about the reason or tell her the truth? Neither is acceptable to me.

Facing Your Fear Frees You

What once made me tense and unhappy is now a source of pride. I faced one of my greatest fears and won.  As I whiled away the hours practicing, starting on the easy green meandering paths, then to open hills and even made my way down a few intermediate slopes, I found myself relaxing, even sinking into meditation. It was actually fun.

If Not Now, When?

Every time fear rises, you have the opportunity to face it. Or not. If you say, no, even convincing yourself you’ll do it later, you create a negative pattern of action. You run away, thus reinforcing the fear and often the shame that goes with it. The thing about those emotions, though, they don’t remain stagnant. They invariably solidify, calcify and grow.  

As time passes, you put up a wall and no longer even consider going beyond that fear. How many walls can you build in your life before you one day find your life has become a tricky maze. You’ll spend more time running from those things that frighten you and less time actually living your life. 

Is that what you really want? I don’t. I want my life to grow and expand no matter how old I get. Of course, there will be limits imposed by age and responsibility. Those I accept, but I simply cannot abide a limitation based on something I have created, grown and cultivated out of fear.

So here’s the challenge. Choose one fear, even something tiny, and do something today, right this second, to overcome it.

And if you’re really brave, share what you’ve accomplished in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this post, please leave a comment below or subscribe via e-mail or by RSS feed.

Photo courtesy of Ava's Flickrstream

On this Memorial Day In Appreciation, In Gratitude.

I'll admit, I didn't think much about the significance of Memorial Day until relatively recently. I knew it to be a day off in remembrance of soldiers, but I never knew anyone who actually had been to war or sent their children to war. It was a day of barbeques, one of the first days off of the summer. 

Three separate people brought the true nature of Memorial Day to my attention.

The first: Laura McD. A woman I know through this blog. She's sweet, supportive, a really lovely person. I hear from her through Facebook and keep up with her photography on her blog. Right now, the main page shows a picture of Laura, her husband and her son the day before her son started basic training. Through Laura, I've come to gain just a little understanding of what it's like to know that your child is away fighting. It takes tremendous faith.

The second: I met this guy in Bocas del Toro, Panama. He had been in Iraq but discharged early because of a tank explosion in which he lost a leg. He spent months in hospital recovering and eventually made his way to Bocas. It's unfortunate, because Bocas is a place many go to hide or escape. Clearly, this soldier's time in Iraq left other wounds and not once did I see this person sober. I hope he is able to find his way.

Then, third, I met another soldier through Couchsurfing. His name is Charles.This man, only 25 years old, is unbelievably well traveled. Albania, Lesotho, Hong Kong and has lived in tens of places as well. He calls Baghdad home now. Charles writes of his personal life philosophy of mutual respect and understanding, of general being decent and focusing on here, now, today.

I often picture the world as a huge map. Some people stay in one place. Others shuttle back and forth, go here to there, never stay still. Paths move together, intersect, you meet, then the paths lead away again. I somehow doubt I'll ever see that boy from Bocas again, but you never know. Charles and Laura, perhaps we will meet one day. I have come to believe that anything is possible and with enough patience, time has a way of bringing those together who want to be together.

One last thing. The Map of the Fallen, a map of those who have died in service with lines linking from where they served to where they were born and lived. It looks amazingly like the map in my head.  There's great power in actually seeing the faces of those who have fought and died, and great pain in knowing that because of their duty, we will not cross paths again on this planet.

How Do You Maintain the Blog Life vs Real Life Balance?

We´re finally coming out of 2 weeks of being sick, and life has been something of a triage. The things that need to be done are done first: doctor visits, Lila´s needs and food.  Everything else waits.

And since we´ve been sick, my blogging has most definitely suffered. I haven´t had much time at all to write, compose notes or follow up on comments and e-mail.  Every time I leave the house, I see and experience things that make me think, ¨Wow, that would be great for a blog entry!¨

But for now, they must wait.

It highlights for me something I´ve often wondered. How do you live in the moment when you´re thinking about blogging it? When you turn a life event into a blog entry, you think about your life from an outside perspective. How will others see this? How can I recreate this, my own life experience, so that someone else can read and relate? Even stopping to take pictures becomes an action of ending your own moment in order to capture it.

It´s the Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle applied to your life. You cannot both do what you are doing and plan where you are going at the very same time without the experience of one or the other drastically changing.

So how do I seek balance?

I keep a list of Future Blog Posts. When I have an idea, I immediately write it down and then forget about it until I´m ready to sit and write it. I do the same with the Things I Need To Do. It is surprising how well this works. Somehow, the simple act of writing down removes the nagging action from my head.

I force myself to take full days during which I entirely put aside my computer, Blackberry, To-Do-Lists, journal and camera and just live the day. It´s really hard! Too often I think how much I´d like to Twitter something, and my mind is too often on more than one thing at once. Even as I write this post, I´m thinking how I´d like to post a picture I saw of Noel Gallagher and make some sort of witty comment about Cigarettes and Alcohol.

Meditation & Yoga. I often talk about yoga, but meditation is something I don´t think about nearly enough. My favorite place for meditation is somewhere completely alone in a darkened room with a lit candle. I focus on the flame while I clear my mind. Focus on my breathing and one by one remove the thoughts from my head, because they are not important.

Oh, I need to reply to @blumimsy about writing. Set that aside for now.

I want to order a nightlight from @fogandthistle for Lila. Our friend Jen is coming to visit and I want it sent to her in time for her to bring it. Oh, yes!! Jen is coming to visit. She´ll be here in less than two weeks. I can´t wait to see her. What time do I have to pick her up from the airport, again?

Stop! Set aside each of these thoughts one by one, because again, the list is endless. I repeat. It is endless. Were I to start working now, contacting, writing and posting, I would never, ever finish. So the quest to finish is futile, is it not?

Of course, it is far easier to write about these things than to actually implement them, so I´m curious to know what others do in order to find their balance

I Fell Asleep and Woke Up With A Mullet!

There are few situations in life that require the precise degree of clear communication between two people as the every day haircut. The interaction is brief and rapid. In that time, you must explain what you want and what you don't want, and if you fail to pass along the intended information, you may well end up far more bald or Farah-Fawcett-layered than you ever hoped to be.

Perhaps that's why I've been putting off visiting a peluqueria here in Salta. Until now.

I told Delia, the woman who would be cutting my hair, the following:

"Quiero mas forma. Los puntos son muy seca. Pero no quiero corto en el frente." I repeat because I really mean it. "No quiero corto en el frente."

This is what I intended to say:

"I want more shape and to remove the dead ends, but I really don't want bangs. Really, please, please don't cut the front of my hair short."

Delia repeated back to me mostly what I said to her. I nod. She begins. Then I sat back and hoped for the best.

In most conversations, you don't need to understand each word stated. For example, there's a coffee shop Noah and I occasionally frequent. In order to go to the bathroom, you have to get a key from behind the counter, walk out the shop to the left, down stairs and then up another short flight of stairs on the right to find the bathroom.

The last time we were there, I went to ask for the key. The man behind the counter smiled and said something to which I said "Si,"even though I hadn't actually heard what he said. A couple seconds after I responded, I realized his sentence included the word donde -- where. And somewhere else in there was sabes -- "you know", second person informal.

"Do you know where to find the bathroom?"

So much of language is context. I knew what he would ask, because I'd been through this same interaction with him previously. The two words that eventually landed in my brain confirmed my initial assumptions.

All that said, had I been entirely wrong, I would have either lived without whatever information he gave me or I would have returned to ask again. In this case, no harm done. Not so in many other situations, such as "What is your child's blood type?"

It got me wondering. How many words in a sentence do you need to understand? And how much of what we understand and say is based on repetitive patterns?

In Spanish, my vocabulary and thus speech is still limited, so the sorts of conversations I have are also -- while expanding daily --still limited. Thus, I find myself repeating the same things over and over to many people. I can talk rather brilliantly and fluently about how long I've been in Salta, the kind of work I do, just about anything related to Lila and her understanding of Castellano and quite a few other topics. Each time I repeat a conversation, I improve on it, clean up the grammar, tighten the diction.

It makes me realize how often we all tend to repeat the same memes. But when we're entirely fluent in a language, the number of memes and themes are greater, so it is easier to hide how often we're saying exactly the same thing.

This reminds me of some research I did while working for Madeline Gins and Arakawa. It was my first job out of college, and I was charged with, among other things, researching psychology and perception for their book Helen Keller or Arakawa. Most days, I logged into Bobst Library at NYU and began combing through the card catalogue looking for books that would answer the following: On how many visual points does the human eye focus when seeing the visual field? Basically, how much do we really see and how much does the brain fill in? The answer I found through my research wasn't specific, somewhere between 7-20 points, but a consensus is clear. We do not see everything. I extrapolate that research to say that we also do not hear, feel or understand everything around us either.

In some ways, I find this rather depressing, particularly as a writer. Will I never be able to truly communicate the thoughts and ideas I have?

I quickly move past that intial negativity, though, when I start to see the endless possibility of creativity that lies in between the words and images that we understand. This allows us artistic and literary interpretation. It allows for two images of the Mona Lisa to become entirely different works of art depending on if you see her live in all her tiny glory in the Louvre or if you see a photograph of people viewing the Mona Lisa in the Louvre blown up wall size in a gallery in Atlanta. It allows for the enormous lattitude we give to James Joyce. And it gifts us all infinite ways of seeing the world.

So those were my thoughts as I sat in Delia's chair while she snip-snipped all around my head. I'm happy to report that I walked away without bangs or split ends. I also did not end up with anything like what I call "The Duck-Butt Cut" that I received from an overly enthusiastic woman named Leather at a salon in NYC.

So for all intents and purposes, our communication was a success.

How, Exactly, Did I End Up Here With You?

Someone posted a comment here a few months ago saying something along the lines of how Noah and I must really like each other a lot in order to travel together the way we do. I suppose she's right. We must like each other. We must also work together really well. Seamlessly.

Right?

When I look through the posts I've written over the last year and a half, I notice that I have many about parenting, religion, family, so many other things, but not a single one about relationships. That must mean something.

Noah and I always have a lot going on. Where to go? How to get there? How long to stay? Where to stay? What to eat? How much will it cost? What will Lila do? How is Lila doing? Where can we find other kids for her to play? Where will she go to school? How is she adapting to the change? What will we do during the days with her?

And somewhere in there, the Noah and Leigh part of the equation becomes fuzzy.

Add to that a continual change of culture. You see, things move at a very different pace in Argentina. From what I can tell, no one plans ahead. Oh, they may have an idea of what the plan could be, but no one would consider telling you it's a finalized plan until the very last minute, because, quite frankly, things change. 

Add to that, all of us have adapted to the Argentinian schedule. Oh, and it's a wonderful way of life, really. It seems the day, in many ways, revolves around dinner, which doesn't even think of beginning until 10pm. This means, even if we eat earlier than most, Lila still doesn't go to bed until 11pm. Often not falling asleep until after midnight. She then wakes up at noon, at which point there's a rush to eat, dress, and head out for our day's activity.

Add to that, we are always together, rarely have time alone and generally spend most of our time in relatively small apartments and rooms with no real personal space at all.

We put ourselves on hold. We come last because so many other things need immediate attention.

Noah and I have been together a long time, almost twenty years.That's a good decade of marriage longer than many of the people we know our age. Over that time, I've learned a few things.

1. All couples fight. Our fights are much more mellow these days then they were in the past. Partly because there is a little girl around to hear them. Partially because we just don't have the energy or patience for huge dramatic arguments.

2. That you will not always be 100% (or even 50%) sure of each other. A friend of mine complained to me that she and her husband of 4 years were getting along horribly. She didn't like his family. She didn't like the way he interacted with their new son. She didn't feel he understood what it was like to be home all day with a child with colic (that I'm sure he didn't.) I began saying "Noah and I have been together long enough..." when she interrupted me. "Yes, I'm sure you guys don't have these petty fights anymore."

"Lord no," I told her. "I was going to say, we've been together long enough to know that at some point every relationship will go through a time when you seriously consider ending it."

Truthfully, it's when you work your way through those times that the marriage becomes stronger. It's easy to think of the day he proposed with a smile. Try doing the same when you think of the time she threatened to end things. Or he walked out angry one morning and didn't return or even call until well after dark. When you both thought "This is it. I can't live with this shit anymore."

3. You will repeat the same fights over and over for years and years. Some fights remain. A few drop off to be replaced by others, but mainly, it's the same thing year after year. Some see the lack of resolution as sign that the marriage isn't working. I've learned that that is simply the nature of tying your life to and living with another human being, especially when you spend a lot of time together. In the words of an old friend of mine, someone who happens to be the rector of an Episcopal church in New Jersey, "You marry the person who aggravates the least."

I suppose over the time, we've mellowed. The fights aren't as intense. We've learned to put off the issues and discussions until a more appropriate time. We've learned how to simply overlook some of those things, accept that your partner isn't going to change, accept that some of those things you can't stand, that you thought would be a relationship deal-breaker are simply part of your life now.

We are still learning to differentiate between those things that are important to bring back to the table for discussion and those that can be safely buried.

So with all this mess, how do you know if you should simply just end it? That, I can't answer because that is not my concern.

Right now, we are once again in between places. We leave this particular apartment in about a week. I'm not sure where we're going next. Possibly directly to Salta. Possibly to do some WWOOFING - work in exchange for room and board in a nearby community. I don't know yet.

On Friday, I'm going with a friend to a WWOOF site called Eco-Yoga Park just outside of Buenos Aires to see what's there and make sure they have room for us. If they do, we'll go for a week. If not, we will go to Salta. Whatever happens, we will have to make plans, and they will have to be made quickly.

Once all this has been figured out, once we arrive in Salta and have a place of our own, once Lila is settled in a daily routine with other children, then Noah and I will be able to talk. Sometimes it feels like that moment, that time will never arrive. But it will. It always does.

Now If You Could Just Release Your Grasp From My Pantleg

I went to NYC for Halloween weekend to finish the translation with Ali. It was a wonderful weekend.  The perfect mix between work, seeing old friends, parties, dinner or drinks, and time alone.  

It was odd not having two other people around all the time to consider before making plans, choices, thoughts. When I was ready, I went where I wanted and did what I desired.

It felt empty at first. Noah and Lila walked me to security, waved and waved as I walked beyond the point where they could go and two minutes later, I was alone. Well, I suppose as alone as one can be in an airport surrounded by thousands of people. But nonetheless, something was missing.

Soon enough, I began to enjoy the extra space, even as much as I loved my nightly calls with them. Lila took the phone, gave me an air hug, then rubbed her nose against the phone for our traditional nosey-nosey-nosey goodnight. “I love you because I miss you because I don’t want you to go and I want you to stay with me,” or some version of that she’d say.

Since I’m almost always with Lila, I rarely hear her on the phone. When I do, I’m struck with how much she sounds like Rebecca, Noah’s youngest sister. Rebecca and I used to spend a lot of time on the phone, mostly when she was in high school and college. Now that we don’t have those conversations anymore, it is difficult to hear Rebecca’s voice when I talk to Lila.

My weekend on 110^th and Broadway revived for me the days when Noah and I lived uptown our first year of marriage and the years before we got married. Halloween, I joined my mom friends in Brooklyn for a post trick-or-treating party. It was perfect. There, I saw all Lila’s old friends, all so grown up and mature, and met their little brothers and sisters, who are now the age Lila was when we left NY.

The same nostalgia poked at me as I walked through Morningside Heights. So much has changed. Grandma’s diner – where Noah and I ate grilled cheese with hot chocolate the night we got stuck downtown without money and had to walk 50 blocks in the freezing snow – is long gone.

Our last few trips to NY have been so unpleasant and exhausting, so it was nice to be reminded how lovely so much of my life had been. But it also made it all the more bittersweet knowing that in less than three weeks, we fly to Argentina and once again have no idea when we will return. If all goes as we hope, it could well be a very long, long time.  

I waded through a NY soup of memory until my friend Levy pointed out I was fighting with ghosts. “Why attach to things that no longer exist?” he asked me. Particularly, I thought to myself, when these memories fill my present with that slight sense of loss. Who needs it? And I tried to let go and enjoy my time.

Noah and Lila met me at the airport where. I saw Lila’s sweet smiling face first. She grabbed me and hugged me and didn’t let go for a long time.

Slowly Learning How To Let Go

This morning I got up early and went out to do yoga on one of the enormous rocks that make up the beach in Riomaggiore. It was beautiful, amazing. Just me, the rocks and sound of the waves.

That's when it hit me. I didn't want to leave. I wanted more yoga mornings alone on the beach. More time to explore the area. More evenings walks by the water with my husband and child. More.

Then I pulled out of this swirl of thought and back into my yoga. That's the thing about practicing yoga. It is all about experiencing the moment and letting go of past and future.

Allan Watts, reknown Taoist scholar says that it is the person who lives for the future who is truly lost. The past is gone, but at least it once existed. The present is ours. It is all we really have. There is nothing in the future but what could be. While there can be great hope for the future, it is not real. To count on it is to chase shadows.

As I sat there in lotus, I pulled myself back from worrying about whether it is a mistake to go back to France instead of remaining in this place I love so much. Pulled myself back from wishing we had come here earlier so we could have had more time.

The sea spread out all around me and aside from the waves and early morning sun burning the previous night's fog, all was quiet and airy.

So I am thankful that we are lucky enough to have had our days in this place, for my two hours of the most perfect yoga ever. Thankful that we have found a place to which we want to return, maybe for a while, maybe forever. Who knows? It doesn't really matter anyway. That is for the future and wasn't this trip always supposed to be about traveling the world one day at a time?

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