thefutureisred

Why I Hate the iPad!

I don't doubt this is a revolutionary device. I like using it for many things, but when I watch Lila play games -- I shake my head and hate it!

There's just something about playing a game on this crazy thing that makes my normally pleasant child aggressive. Lila doesn't listen when she's playing. She ignores, probably doesn't even hear, what we say to her. If you try to take it from her, she becomes petulant and angry.

I've seen it happen to Noah, too, especially when he and Lila play Plants vs Zombies together. Lila grabs his hand in this pincer like grasp she has. It's not particularly painful, but she is surprisingly strong and quick. It's definitely aggravating. So Noah is aggravated. Then Lila gets upset. Then there might even be some grabbing and pushing. 

Or they both poke at the screen trying to play together and end up poking each other. Worse, they block each other and miss a point or a sun or whatever it is. Then they both get frustrated. Then I get frustrated.

Is it really so wrong for me to take it away from them? Tell them that if they can't play nicely with the iPad, they're going to lose it until tomorrow?

But I don't blame them.

I've felt the same intensity with Angry Birds. When someone distracts me, and I accidentally set off a bird before I'm ready. Then it flies off in some random direction, and I don't crush a single pig. I get mad. It makes me want to pincer grip people and maybe even push them away.

Clearly I'm not the first to see this. A recent article on NPR calls angry birds addictive. So I researched it and found this study that suggests certain tones raise our serotonin levels. Could the bips and beeps and squawks from iPad games invoke that little rush of pleasure in addition to the reward of seeing the pigs' clever and maze-like defenses dropped?

When we're then removed from our tonal reward, do we then become aggressive?

What I do know is that anyone in our house -- metaphorically speaking, since we don't actually have a house -- must stop playing when they become rude during a game. If you don't stop on your own, it will be taken from you.

Yes, I mean it. Please don't test me.

What else I don't like?

It's all been said before, so I'll keep it short. The keyboard. I find it cumbersome to use. So I don't. Ever. At all. I figure, though, this is simply a technology limit that will change soon enough. It's annoying, also, that iPad doesn't support Flash.

What I do like?

I use it primarily for reading. Suddenly I can read magazines and books. That's a lovely new thing in the five years since we left NY. The games themselves force you to think logically and spatially. Apps tend to be either free or you can buy them for less than $2 each. We've recently started using one to help Lila keep track of her chores.

I'm a huge fan of Flipboard. During my recent visit to NY, I chatted with Benjamin Wagner, old friend and SVP of MTVi, who loves the interactivity of Flipboard. Where else can you so seamlessly integrate social media platforms, Google Reader and RSS feeds while also staying in touch with what your friends are reading and doing?

Just In Time for iPad 2

I've managed to squeak my little review in just before the iPad 2 comes out March 11, 2011. The new one has a camera and video camera. Lighter. Thinner. Has a cover attached magnetically to protect the display so you don't need a separate case. The screen, apparently is sensitive to strength of touch.

All sounds great, although I probably won't see it myself for quite a while, because we just got the old version. Add that to my list of Dislikes, by the way. Such is the nature of owning an Apple product. 

But the addictive anger, aggression-pincer-thing makes me want to fling the damn thing out the window. I doubt even the newer, snazzier model will change that.

Photo by hj_west.

Breastfeeding Is Creepy: The Middle Ground?

Earlier this week, I published an article on Matador Life titled Uberboober VS Formula Funbag: Choose Your Weapon. Who knew by the end of the day, I'd be interviewed by the BBC because of what I wrote?

 
Yes, it did bother me to hear Kathryn Blundell, deputy editor of Mother & Baby Magazine, call breastfeeding creepy. Why? Because it feels like a personal attack. I breastfed Lila for almost two and a half years. So then you must think I'm creepy too?

As I read more about Ms. Blundell's article, I began to see beyond the surface layer of words and to what I think is the core of the matter. We moms are too often put in a position of defending our parenting choices. Most times, it feels no matter what we choose, we will be wrong.

While still living in Brooklyn, I started a mother's group. Ok, it was for all parents, but rarely did a dad appear at our get togethers. We met for coffee, play dates, nights out, but mainly it was a place to go for support. In my two years running that group, I never once heard a woman badmouth another mother's parenting choices.

Common experience leads to common support, not discord. That is how it should be.

Then I Got the E-mail from Claudia Bradshaw

Claudia produces the BBC's World Have Your Say live radio show. She asked if I'd be willing to go on air and discuss Kathryn's statements.

Abso-freakin-lutely!

You can listen to or download the entire program on the WHYS website. It will only be available until next Wednesday when a new show airs and you have to scroll down to find the Breastfeeding is Creepy download link.

The Discussion Continues

Another woman speaking on the show with me, Morgan Gallagher, felt she was not allowed to discuss what she wanted. When she brought up the dangers of formula feeding, she was cut out of the show altogether, and thus did not take part in the African broadcast segment of the show. 

Since then, a Facebook group called The Final Straw, sprung up to support Morgan. They ask that the BBC apologize and grant her the right to share her views, particularly to the African population. Since she was not able to share on the radio, she tells her side of the story in her most recent blog post. You'll note in the comments, Chloe, one of the World Have Your Say producers and Ros Atkins, the show's live moderator, respond to Morgan.

I do not see the situation in quite the same way as Morgan. I tend to see a middle ground, but I would love to continue the discussion. Morgan has expressed the same on her post.

I look forward to talking more.

Photo by James Kendall of the Pistoleers and Random Duck

Tread Softly On My Dreams: The Education Crisis Revolution

I'm currently reading a book by Maya Frost titled The New Global Student: Skip the SAT, Save Thousands on Tuition and Get a Truly International Education. In it, she describes the nature of the adolescent mind, how in our teen years our brains open to growth potential that is left largely ignored by the current education system in the United States.

The following paragraph resonated particularly strongly with me on many levels.

Our kid's brains are ravenous for content that will lend itself to analysis, and yet we're sticking them into a world that is so limited they are reduced to examining hairstyles and hook-ups instead of more challenging fare. Instead of analyzing culture, politics or world affairs on a daily basis, they're prognosticating about prom dates. They zero in on the fit of their jeans rather than on the fit of a cultural identity within a larger population,and they devote hours to enhancing the clarity of their skin instead of the clarity of their thinking. They are digging into a plate of pettiness because that is precisely what we've served them. They deserve -- and are ready for -- so much more.

It struck me when I read this that the image of the typical obnoxious teen who lives only to text her friends and meet at the mall is something we take for granted. We assume it is the case, because that is what we see around us. In fact, it is entirely possible we amplify that image because we expect it.

But it is not a given.

Following on that little piece of food for thought, I want to share with you a recent TED talk by Sir Ken Robinson about education. In it he calls for the complete revolution of our international education system, now based on a "fast food module." By that, he refers to the standardization and structuring of most systems of education that overlook the needs of the individual.

It starts with the pressure we feel as parents to make sure our children place well into pre-school and goes from there.

That pressure is one of the reasons I wanted to leave New York City. I couldn't see putting LIla through interviews, essays and evaluation play dates, all for the pleasure of paying $20K for a 2-year-old to go to school. It is too painful.

We take for granted that our model is one we must adhere to because it is what we know, and while that model has served us well in many aspects, we must still continue to evaluate and re-evaluate. It's on us as parents, educators and students to identify that which is no longer working and prune the excess.

The pain we experience while pushing our toddlers into pre-school and again when encouraging them to take AP courses and to ace the SAT is a sign something isn't quite right. Embracing a new system is never easy, though. It is another form of letting go.

Photo by HVX Silverstar

Couchsurfing 101: Ten Foolproof Ways To Receive Stellar References

The past two weeks our house has been full of couchsurfers. There hasn't been a single day with less than two people staying, One day, we had ten people and a hat-destroying dog in the house. 

Did I feel overwhelmed, overworked or the need to run screaming from my deeply invaded personal space?  Quite the opposite. As I looked around our place, teeming with people, I noticed little considerate and respectful habits of our guests that made all the difference between unpleasant and the crazy fun chaos that has characterized the last weeks.

1. Wash Dishes

Aracely and Jason of Two Backpackers spent over a week with us. They washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen every day. I didn't ask them to do it. They just did. Believe me, this is something every host notices and appreciates more than you can imagine. (And if I haven't said it before, thank you both!)

2. Clean Up After Yourself

This is a no brainer. . Don't leave your dirty dishes on the table, toothpaste on the counter or puddles of water on the floor. No one is perfect, and of course, you might forget or leave a mess. But one little thing won't matter if your general habit is to leave things neat and clean.

3. Let Them Know If Something Breaks

If you break something, immediately let your host know and offer to replace it. If for some reason you can't afford to replace it, still, be honest. I don't love it when things are broken, but it happens. I actively dislike it when people hide what happened, leaving me with a surprise.

If you break something in my house and don't take responsibility for it, believe me I'll mention it when I leave a reference.

4. Organize Your Sleeping Area Immediately After Waking Up 

This isn't a deal breaker, but it's a good habit to adopt, especially if your sleep area is in the middle of the living area. 

We had ten people in the house. Craig and Linda Martin of Indie Travel Podcast slept on the living room couch and their friend Angela on a blow up mattress on the floor. They rearranged the couches, put away the bedding and put the blow up aside, leaving us all more room to eat breakfast and hang out in the morning.

We also have a guest bedroom, and I tend not to go in at all when people are staying, so I don't care if it's a complete wreck. But when you leave, refer to rule number two.

5. Pitch In For Meals

You shouldn't expect your hosts to prepare food or pay to feed you.

I like to have lunch or dinner ready when Couchsurfers arrive, and I most definitely don't expect them to pay me back for that. But two meals, three, four? Couchsurfing is meant to be a cultural and personal exchange. Not a bed and breakfast.

Most of our recent surfers brought food along with them or we showed them to the nearest supermarket. Generally, we all shared what we had. This worked for us with this particular group, but you don't need to feel that you have to share meals or food with your host.

If you all plan to make and share a big meal together, though, split the costs and preparation.

6. Make A Meal

Also, not something required of you by any stretch, but when you cook for someone, believe me, they'll remember you. Ariella -- our first surfer ever -- made an amazing lasagne for us in Panama. Audrey and Dan of Uncornered Market made this incredible chicken with paprika, chicken and herbed cheese they learned in Prague from an Estonian living in Copenhagen who got the recipe in Italy. You can find the recipe in their Christmas Cookbook. Sally made Yorkshire pudding pizza.

Noah and I take on breakfast. He makes amazing omelets. Scratch pancakes and home fries are my domain.

Just saying. It makes an impression.

7. Let Your Host Know What You Want & Need

Don't go with the flow because you think you have to do what your hosts suggest just because you're staying in their house.

Ask for a towel, a map, the nearest supermarket and where to find the bus. If your host can't help you, so be it, but a good host shouldn't expect you to curtain your trip to their needs.

Believe me, I much prefer that Janine and Angela said no to going to yoga class with me in lieu of taking a walk around the central square of Salta.  Or that Danny and Jillian of I Should Log Off admitted they'd rather stay in Saturday night than go to a Couchsurfing event. (Turned out, we were also happy to stay in and drink a couple bottles of wine.)

That way I know when you spend time with me, it's what you want. I have no desire to play tour guide to the unwilling.

8. Play With the Kids 

Almost everyone who comes over spends time drawing or playing games with Lila. I'm not saying you need to be a babysitter, but you do need to acknowledge that children are also your hosts. When you spend a bit of time with them, you're bringing them into the Couchsurfing community and making it easier for their parents.

Lila loves having Couchsurfers because she meets new people too. There's a new audience for her she-makes-the-rules-you-always-lose games.

That, and being a host takes extra time and energy no matter how much you love it. When you help with the kids (or pets), you're giving your host more time and room for themselves.

9. Treat Their Home As Your Home

Ask where things go and put them away as you use them. Get to know your hosts routine and work with them as you figure out your own plans.

I tell all the people who stay with us to make themselves at home. They're welcome to take what they need from the kitchen. I show them where we keep the extra towels and sheets.

One wonderful moment on our busiest Couchsurfing day. I woke in the morning and walked into the kitchen only to be offered a cup of fresh coffee by Janine. That is a lovely, lovely thing.

10. Work With Your Host's Schedule & Routine

Check in with your hosts to see what they need, where they need to go. If your host has to leave early in the morning for work, does that mean you have to be out as well?  I don't find that to be necessary. I'm always happy to have people in the house, but I also appreciate when you give me space to work if I have a deadline.

Remember to communicate your own needs to them as well. If your host doesn't know you want to be at the train station by early the next day, they can't help you get there.

Mostly, Just Relax Be Yourself

I base my decision whether or not you can stay almost entirely on your Couchsurfing profile. That means, I'm already interested in getting to know more about you before you walk in the door. If you want to know what I look for in a profile, check out How To Pimp Your Couchsurfing Profile & Find A Place To Stay.

Overall, I like to assume people are considerate adults who can be trusted to respect boundaries and my home. With that assumption, I feel free to tell you to feel comfortable and at home. If you need some milk from the fridge. Take it. If you want a late night tea and a snack and I've already gone to bed, fine. 

What I've also found is that long time travelers seem to understand these rules almost instinctively. After all, it's not all that different from learning how to be respectful of new cultures and countries while not going beyond your own boundaries of personal comfort.

Learn how to do that, and you'll always find good references on your profile.

Got Any Other Questions About Couchsurfing? Just Ask!

Send me an e-mail or leave a comment below with any questions you have about Couchsurfing.

I'm still working on a post on How To Evaluate A Profile, particularly for big cities. This one is a bit tricky, because there are so many variables, but a post is coming soon.

Photos by The Red Project, Miss Rogue and Zieak

Mother's Day Music Mix: What Makes A Mom?

The roots of Mother's Day run deep and wide. They day is celebrated differently on different days for different reasons worldwide, but all have in common a connection to some birthing body. It could be Mother Earth, Mother Mary and the day of the Immaculate Conception. It could be in protest to a war and the mothers who lose their children.

And every reason for Mother's Day reflects tenfold the complicated relationships we have with our own mothers and children.

Maybe you lie about what you've been up to in order to keep her from worrying or asking questions. Or maybe you're honest with her. I'm a bit of both; the older I get the less I need prevarication. It ain't easy having a kid who lives like a gypsy, so all you traveling folk, call your Mama Kin.

Mama's Got A Girlfriend to all the mamas whose papas aren't around or those who never wanted one in the first place. 

Moms are blamed for everything. Sometimes it's their fault. You made me cry; you told me lies. You could have been a better friend to me, but Mama I'm Coming Home. 

Bob Dylan's lyrics always hit home whether sung by Jeff Buckley, Jack Johnson or the original Mama, You've Been On My Mind.  "I'd just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear as someone who has you on his mind." Because I'm not sure we ever see our mother's the way they see themselves. Or the way they are.

There's Danzig's Mother.

And what I think of as the Rolling Stone's homage to American stay-at-home mom's of the 60s. I won't speak for moms today, but I'd like to think things have changed. Although I know from experience how  difficult it can be to stay at home with your kid no matter how much you also love it. Then I also know from experience the difficulty often involved in making the choice to work. Often, it's other mothers who criticize each other the most for choices made in this arena.

And finally, Rosanne Cash's Motherless Children captures exactly what a mother means when she sings of life without your mom.  Your father will do his best. Your husband will try to understand. Auntie will do. Sister will be there until she gets married, then she goes to her own life.

No matter who your mother is. She can be the perfect hot chocolate when its cold mom or she can miss your birthday or maybe your mother is an abusive alcoholic. Mom will always be in your life in some way, even when she is absent.

Moms aren't perfect and never will be.

Something that becomes all too painfully clear when you become a mother yourself.

What mama song sings most loudly to you?

Happy Mother's Day, Mom and all you other mothers out there!

And for those who want to hear more of my budding DJ doings, become a listener of the futureisred on blip.fm

The Gift Of Memory Is the Greatest Gift of All

Recently, I saw an old Mork and Mindy episode where Mork, after freaking Mindy out when he gives her a dead fly broach as a Christmas gift, learns that it's the thought that counts when it comes to gift giving. So he uses his Orkan powers to give her a new gift, a long forgotten childhood memory.

Today, I read a post on Julie Shwietert's blog Cuaderno Inedito titled There Will Be Some Days When You Get Nothing Done Except Loving Your Family. Reading Julie's thoughts on time with her family brought back vivid memories of the days after Lila was born.

That first week was the most free week of my life. I didn't think about work, cleaning the kitchen or how much baby weight I needed to lose. I didn't look at my watch. I turned off the phone and didn't once check e-mail.

I completely disconnected, in a very very good way, from everything in the world that usually plays such a huge part in my life and focused only on Lila and Noah. It was, without a doubt, the most memorable, most beautiful week of my entire life.

We moved by Lila's needs.

When she was hungry we were awake to feed her. When she slept, we did too. We regularly changed diapers. It's amazing how many a newborn can go through so quickly. I remember Noah and I standing over that tiny naked body. Four hands, two brains petrified of somehow destroying this new life as we tried to remove the old wet diaper, wiped her down with water until clean and then gently lift her little body to place it on a clean one.

Neurosurgery performed by two inexperienced parents. Neither of us had ever before held a newborn until the day Lila was born.

Seven suns rose and then set.

One morning, I lay on the couch nursing and watching how her body spanned the width of mine. At the same time, the sun rose, turning the walls of our apartment orange and golden, then lighter and lighter. The sun poured through creating shadows of window pane on every surface inside. The shadows moved slowly from one side of the room to the other and then disappeared as the day arrived.

Never before and never since have I been able to be so consciously, so fully in the moment. It made me wonder if  perhaps the days when I accomplish all else -- work, writing, organizing the house, running errands -- but I don't spend as much time with Lila and Noah, if perhaps those are really the days in which nothing of equal worth was done.

Thank you, Julie, for reminding me.

Sharing Thoughts From Women Worldwide for International Women's Day

I originally had another post planned for today. It's already written, just waiting to be published. Then I remembered that March 8th is International Women's Day. So I decided, instead, to share something very special with you.

Uncornered Market, a blog written by Daniel Noll and Audrey Scott. I often mention them in many different contexts. Today, they posted a slide show today of Women of the World -- faces of women from the Andes to Uzbekistan. Mothers, children, grandmothers. Daughters.

That's Audrey in the center. I love how this photo so clearly makes the statement that she, too, is a woman of this world.

Some other links and tidbits I'd like to share for today:

10 Things You Need To Know About International Women's Day shared with my by Candice Walsh

Gendercide: The War On Baby Girls shared by Abbie Kearse

Che Che Cole Makossa by Antibalas feature Mayra Vega shared by Erika Clarke

Morning Walk in Bangkok shared by Aye GotPassport

African Burial Ground in NYC (Yep!) shared by Julie Shwietert

Remembering Colorado...Oh Mi Amor shared by Laura Bernhein

These are just some of the things that show the interest, love, passion and commitment of the many women I know. There are so many more.

Please share your own links here too!

Feliz Dia de la Mujer!

Picturing The Cow Jumped Over the Moon

My baby is learning to read and write, and this mama couldn't be more proud! Now helplessly watch as I show off her handiwork.

A couple months ago, Noah and I implemented a Sticker Chart based reward system to help Lila get ready for school. Each week, she had the opportunity to earn a prize of her choosing. Last week, she chose a notepad and set of pens.

She came bounding into our room recently to show us her most recent ouevre.

My favorite part, of course, is the cow. That she drew in the udder just makes me smile. Not to mention the look on the cows face. I love the backward moon. I love that she sounded this out and wrote the whole thing entirely on her own. Really, the whole thing just gets me.

Lila, for her part, is very proud to know her drawing and writing has made it to the internet.

How To Teach Responsibility To A Child

Perhaps a small stuffed cat doesn't seem very important in the grand scheme of parenting, yet for me, the mother of an only child, it takes on huge significance.

Last week, the three of us -- Noah, Lila and myself -- went to the supermarket.  Lila, admittedly because she was hungry, freaked out and had the first tantrum she’s had in as long as I can remember. We left.

Soon after, Lila turned to me and asked, “Where’s Susanna?”

Susanna is her little toy cat. She got it in a Cajita Feliz at McDonalds a few weeks earlier and they two fell in love with eqch other. Lila tucked Susanna in bed at night, took her to school, carried her in the car and everywhere else she went in her little llama handbag.

We went back to the store to search. Went back again this weekend, but Susanna was no where to be found.

She is gone, probably forever.

Lila has lots of questions, of course. What happened to her? Where did she go? Did someone else take her? Will I ever get her back?

I don't have answers to any of these questions.

Then comes the question for which I do have an answer. In fact, as the parent, I entirely control the outcome.  “Can we go back to McDonalds to get another Susanna?”

One the one hand: It’s Lila’s responsibility to take care of the toys she chooses to bring with her to the supermarket or wherever we go. Normally, she doesn’t lose them and is very good at keeping track. Her tantrum, I'm sure, has a lot to do with why Susanna was lost. She was too busy screaming to realize her beloved cat fell out of her bag.

Wouldn't buying a new one be in some ways, allowing her avoid responsibility for her actions? Would we in some way be saying tantrums are acceptable?

Beyond that, loss is a part of life, and not everything is replaceable. In fact, the most important things in life are not. Would we be doing Lila a huge disservice in quickly ending her sadness with another toy. This time, it’s easy. Next time, it may not be so simple.

Noah and I generally choose not to shield Lila from subjects such as death. We do our best to be honest when explaining what happened to our cat Paloma, or Grandma Ruth or why Daddy is sad when we visit Noah's mother in the cemetary.

What do you think?

Photo courtesy of Hitchster's Flickrstream

Five Reasons To Face Your Fears Right Now

I went skiing this week for the first time.  Oh, did I mention I am absolutely petrified of skiing?

The thought of standing at the top of a slippery mountain with enormous foot extensions fills me with a terror I can’t quite explain. My mind sees an edge of snow, but beyond that, my fear doesn’t have an end. It is irrational. And while the fear sliding out of control straight down to an untimely death is a natural, healthy one, mine related to skiing is not. 

Thus, I decided this would be my week to overcome my fears as we visited Chapelco Ski Resort in San Martin de los Andes, Patagonia.  So Noah and I began down an easy green path that extends from the top of the first chair lift down the mountain approximately 1000 meters. The first run took almost two hours. I slid back and forth, fell over and over and over, polled myself in the throat a couple times and at least once was brought to tears. 

Here’s what I realized:

Falling Is Important

Yes, it hurt. It was humiliating, too, as I slumped in the snow flopping around with my polls attempting  to get up as small children flew past having a grand old time. Ultimately, though, I learned not only how to fall, I learned to get up again. It also showed me that whatever the horror, pain and anguish of what I imagined falling while skiing to be, the reality wasn’t anywhere near as bad. It was actually manageable.

Fear Evaporates Far More Quickly Then You’d Imagine

The second time I went down the same slope took 20 minute, and the spots that terrified me on first sight, suddenly didn’t bother me at all. What once made me panic and fall, now was just a simple slope that I zipped left, then right and moved on with my life.

What Will I Tell Lila?

I want Lila to live as full and free a life as possible. How could I possibly explain to her that while, yes, I think she should take ski lessons and learn a new skill that I can’t. “Why not mommy?” she’s sure to ask. Then, do I lie about the reason or tell her the truth? Neither is acceptable to me.

Facing Your Fear Frees You

What once made me tense and unhappy is now a source of pride. I faced one of my greatest fears and won.  As I whiled away the hours practicing, starting on the easy green meandering paths, then to open hills and even made my way down a few intermediate slopes, I found myself relaxing, even sinking into meditation. It was actually fun.

If Not Now, When?

Every time fear rises, you have the opportunity to face it. Or not. If you say, no, even convincing yourself you’ll do it later, you create a negative pattern of action. You run away, thus reinforcing the fear and often the shame that goes with it. The thing about those emotions, though, they don’t remain stagnant. They invariably solidify, calcify and grow.  

As time passes, you put up a wall and no longer even consider going beyond that fear. How many walls can you build in your life before you one day find your life has become a tricky maze. You’ll spend more time running from those things that frighten you and less time actually living your life. 

Is that what you really want? I don’t. I want my life to grow and expand no matter how old I get. Of course, there will be limits imposed by age and responsibility. Those I accept, but I simply cannot abide a limitation based on something I have created, grown and cultivated out of fear.

So here’s the challenge. Choose one fear, even something tiny, and do something today, right this second, to overcome it.

And if you’re really brave, share what you’ve accomplished in the comments below.

If you enjoyed this post, please leave a comment below or subscribe via e-mail or by RSS feed.

Photo courtesy of Ava's Flickrstream

Picturing My Child Playing in the Dirt

This is one big reason why we left Brooklyn.

I was tired of telling Lila she couldn't play in the dirt. Dogs shit and pee there. I was tired of having to watch her constantly. You never know who is haunting playgrounds and parks. One park in my old neighborhood has a rule that childless men weren't allowed to hang out, even just to sip a grande and read a book.

I was tired of finding fun things to do indoors and having to plan specific trips so Lila could be in the great outdoors. That is, Prospect Park, the Brooklyn Botanic Garden or the American Natural History Museum. Ok, that part was pretty spectacular, but still, an easy, safe place for Lila to play right by our front door feels so much more comfortable.

So when I peeked outside one afternoon -- I still can't help but going to check on her -- I found Lila quietly making mud pies with friends. The taller girl on the left is Victoria. She lives next door and showed up later that night at our house, ended up staying for dinner. The other girl, I don't know.

This in NYC might well label me a bad parent

A Portrait of Lila On the Eve Of Her Fifth Birthday

She's so peaceful here.

Come morning, though, Lila pops out of bed, feet and mouth moving before she even knows where she wants to go or what she wants to say. Lila takes photographs and videos. She will always stop to listen to live music and has no qualms about telling everyone else around her, stranger or no, to be quiet and listen to the music too. She loves tattoos, all her cousins and chocolate ice cream. She stomps her feet and pouts when she doesn't get her way.

She's an amazing traveler, but when she asked me "Mommy, why do we keep going places and not staying," I knew it was time to stop and settle down for a bit. I am amazed how well she knows her own mind. I am not like that.

But Lila and I are similar in many ways. We both get cranky when hungry. Both like summer dresses, the beach, blue nail polish and dancing to Gwen Stefani. She doesn't understand why the song Gracie makes me smile while simultaneously making me want to cry.

"I am an artist," she proudly proclaims when showing me a new painting. "I am a writer," she informs me as she takes out her pen and paper. She wants to be with her mommy and daddy always, never wants to be on her own and stomps her feet "No" when I tell her she might change her mind.

I am wholly in love with her

How To Couchsurf As A Family

I'm always going on about how much I love Couchsurfing.   "It is a pretty damn cool idea," says just about everyone I meet, but, they continue. "Not if you're traveling as a family."

I'm living proof that it is not only plausible and possible to Couchsurf with your kids, but it makes for a far more interesting and fun travel experience. In addition, when we stay with families with children, Lila makes friends her own age.  She can play, learn to communicate in another language and generally have a lot more fun than she would have hanging out with just her parents all day, every day.

Is it Safe?

An excellent question, and the first question every parent I know asks. I say yes, it is safe as long as you carefully choose the people with whom you stay.

Couchsurfing has three methods of maintaining safety. I've listed them in the order on which I place most importance.

References: Each time I connect with someone on CS and want to maintain contact, I "friend" them. It's similar to friending in most online communities with the addition of information detailing how much you trust someone, how you know them, where you met them, and asks for details about your interaction.You also rate the person on a scale of 1-7 the level of your friendship. 7 is for a best friend.

Vouches: When you have spent enough face-to-face time with a person to know that s/he is trustworthy, open and honest member of the CS community, you can choose to vouch for this person. When you vouch for someone, you put your own CS reputation on the line.

Verification: You provide CS with a snail mail address. They send you a postcard with code. When you receive the code, you enter it into your CS profile page, thus proving you have a physical location where you can be found.

I suggest reading through CS Guide to Safety First, which covers all these things in more detail.

How To Evaluate Profiles and Choose Hosts?

My first suggestion, once you've filled out your profile as completely as possible, is to go to the Couchsurfing Families Welcome Group page. Introduce yourself. Post questions. Start meeting people.

The first thing I do with any profile is to read through the entire thing.I cannot stress the importance of this step enough. Then, I evaluate.

Does this person seem like someone I want to meet?

Do we like to do the same things?  Does the person have kids of their own? Does this person smoke, stay up late, drink a lot or do another things that I might not want Lila to experience? If you're not comfortable with the answer to these questions, you probably want to continue your search for a host.

I've found CS is highly self selecting in this way. When you find a host with common interests -- music, books, camping, philosophy and yes, children -- you tend to want to meet and will both be willing to find a way to do so.

What sort of sleeping space does the person have?

Most times, I won't initiate contact with a person I don't know unless they say in the profile that they have room for at least 2 people. Lila is still small enough to sleep in bed with us. Sometimes, a person has space for more, but it would require you to sleep outside in a tent or on a sleeping bag on the floor. If you're not OK with that or don't have the equipment you'd need to be comfortable, not for you.

You're judged by the company you keep.

I look first for hosts who have a solid number of friends and references. Ten or more is usually enough on which to base an opinion. I also make sure that those friends are people my potential host has met face-to-face. Online-only friends don't factor into my decision making at all.

Then, I look for common friends, friends who are well known in the CS community, people who have 50 or more positive references and surfers who act as Ambassadors. A positive reference from any of the above holds a lot of water for me.

I read all references carefully. While most people won't post a negative reference unless a surfer or host has done something that truly crosses a line, you will see patterns of behavior emerge throughout the references. If someone is argumentative, that will come out. If a person drinks a lot or stays out late night after night, that too becomes clear. These things don't necessarily discredit a potential host, but they let me know what I'm likely to experience when staying with that person. I make my own decision from there.

Where In the World?

We've Couchsurfed all over Europe, the United States, Canada, Central America and Argentina.

Europe, the US and Canada are full of families all with open minds, open hearts and most times an open room or an entire apartment you can have all to yourself. Most people will respond quickly to your Couchsurf requests, are clear with instructions and information and will follow through.

Central and South America, I have found there to be far fewer families. Often people don't have the same resources, don't have as much space and don't have a dedicated internet connection that they can check regularly. Potential hosts won't get back to you as quickly and are often more likely to leave things to the last minute, which makes planning ahead difficult. I've had more than one potential host disappear. In any case, it is always a good practice to have a Plan B.

Even if I can't find a host, I still e-mail other CS members and meet up with as many as possible for dinner or a drink, because you never know what sort of connections you'll maker.

What Do I Say When I Contact Them?

I introduce myself and immediately mention points of interest in common. You want to make it clear from the beginning that you have read his/her profile and that you are not just looking for a free night's sleep. I also like to be clear that we are traveling with a child as well as reiterate the dates we'll be arriving. If you're not entirely sure when you'll arrive, communicate that as well.

I never ask to stay more than two nights with someone I have not yet met. You all need time to see if you have made a good host/surfer match. Most times, we stay longer than intended or return for another visit.

I will stay with people who don't have kids, but I like to meet them first.  I want to be entirely clear that my host is 100% comfortable having a family with child staying. Many people include in their profiles the Children Welcome logo you see here to let you know you're welcome as a family even if your host doesn't have children.

Some Personal Examples!

Tom from Belgium: A single dad who has weekly visits with his daughter, Eva. When we arrived at his house, Lila hadn't seen another child close her age in weeks. The two girls played amazingly together, although Lila did have some trouble sharing attention with a younger child. The three of us squeezed onto the couch of Tom's apartment for two. When we left, I felt as if I'd known Tom and Eva for years.

Maryanick from South of France: I was initially reticent to contact Maryanick because she only had a few references on her profile, but that was understandable as she had just joined the site. She did, however, have a reference from Adam&Jaime who are long term, very experienced Couchsurfers with a list of positive references scrolling into the hundreds. They has stayed with her for two weeks and listed her as a "best friend."

Maryanick is a wonderful, loving and giving person who lives in perhaps one of the most beautiful places on earth, the base of Mont Sainte Victoire, Cezanne's mountain. Lila played with her two children, and our families shared dinners, walks through the vineyard and overall had an amazing time. I now consider Maryanick to be one of my "best friends."

Randall in Costa Rica. I first e-mailed Randall, a single man without kids, through the CS Los Comelones group -- a group who get together for dinners at the best restaurants in San Jose. I didn't meet him until a month or so later, though, when he and another group of Couchsurfers visited us in Bocas. They didn't stay with us but came over for dinner most nights and have been in touch on CS and Facebook ever since. More than a year after our first e-mail, we family-surfed with Randal when we had a stopover in Costa Rica on our way down to Argentina. I'm trying to convince him to come to Argentina for his next trip.

Feel Free To Contact Me With Any Questions or Concerns

This is a general guideline of how I choose hosts and also how I evaluate potential surfers to stay with us. You'll also find you'll learn a lot as you go along. So much of the process is common sense and trusting your instincts.

If you have any specific questions, comments, concerns or want to share your own experiences, I encourage you to post a comment below. Posting comments opens a dialogue with other readers in addition to myself and allows for more people to enter the discussion.

Of course, you are always welcome to e-mail me as well.

Write your First Day of School Memories, Win an After School Snack!

READ TO THE END OF THE POST FOR HOW TO WIN YOUR AFTER SCHOOL SNACK!

My baby just began kindergarten!!!

"But I'm not a baby," she tells me.

"I know. It's just something mamas say about their kids," I reply, and somehow this makes sense to her.

It all sort of snuck up one me. Lila goes to some sort of school or camp wherever we decide to stay for any extended period of time. It allows her to play with other kids, allows us to meet other parents. Brooklyn. Bocas. Buffalo. Atlanta. That coupled with the fact that her peers in every other part of the world we've lived don't start their school year until September, made it seem like just another school experience in another part of the world.

So when we enrolled her here in Salta, it didn't hit me that this is actually it. Lila is starting KINDERGARDEN!!!

She is beyond happy to go. "I'm just so excited," she repeated over and over on the way to the bus, on the bus, on the walk from the bus and through the doors of her new colegio. Not to mention, she's been asking every day for the past 2 weeks. "Am I going to school today?"

She was, in fact, so excited, that she didn't even mind wearing a uniform for school. All schools in Salta -- and I believe in Argentina as well -- require them. This is the girl who likes pink, bright colors and skirts or dresses. Pants are only marginally acceptable if they have stars on them. I thought she would hate it! Instead, she not only accepted dark blue shorts, white t-shirt, white knee socks and white tennis shoes, she embraced them.

Let's just say, few can rock a outfit like this as hard as Lila can.

Here's how the morning drop off went.

We arrive to see a woman in a navy blue sequined ballgown and full make-up standing at the door to welcome the kids. Lila hid behind Noah. Then, go further in the school to see the mob of parents and kids, cheering, kissing hellos and goodbyes.

Lila's teacher, Moira, greeted her wearing a pink princess dress. She kissed Lila on the cheek then introduced Lila to the class. "This is Lila. She's learning Spanish. So we'll help her with that. And she will help us with our English." Obviously, this is my translation. This entire morning was brought to you by loud, raucous, happy Castellano.

Then Lila waved goodbye, joined the circle of kids in their uniforms and that was that. She didn't even look up to see us again.

So in honor of Lila's first day of school, I'm giving away an after school snack of beautiful gourmet cookies from my old home of Brooklyn, care of Whimsy and Spice.

TO ENTER:  You've been hearing my stories all this time. Now I want to hear yours. 

Simply leave a comment here on this blog entry describing one of your First Day of School Memories. That can be yours, your child's, anything that in any way relates to starting school. If you feel shy about posting your writing online for all to see, you can also e-mail your entry to me. It doesn't have to be long or perfect. I just want to hear what you have to say.

A winner will be drawn at random and announced March 9, 2009. Winner recieves a Whimsy and Spice Classic Sampler box of cookies, biscotti and -- get this -- luscious espresso brownie laced with dulce de leche! Be sure to include a working e-mail in the designated space below (it won't be posted online, ply sent to me) so I can contact you for your address if you're the winner.

Can't wait to hear all your first day of school stories!

Oh What A Lovely Day

We spent the day in El Debenir - the hectare of land in Salta where we now live in exchange for work. There's composting, a vegetable garden, dog, cats, lots of plants and medicinal herbs, a playground and plenty of room to roam between our casita, the geriatric home being built and the main house. Today Lila and I made lentil soup, then picked tomatoes, basil and lime from the garden for a salad. Then, we started a paper making project. We found pieces of wood for the frame and started soaking old supermarket circulars.

 Then Lila put on her tutu and shirt and danced while I sang Baby Beluga. Then all three of us took the bus to a nearby heladeria with a play area. When I got back home, I worked on my Hot Momma case profile. The Hot Momma's Project is a collection of cases as part of a leadership program housed by the GWU School of Business. It's been a long lovely day, and I find myself here as the day turns into tomorrow, feeling for the first time since we arrived in Argentina, a little bit more relaxed and normal.