Give Me Butterfly Wings: I Needed A Big Blog Break

Photo by e3000               

Sometimes death teaches more about life than what's on my computer.

After almost four months without a word from me, it's time to answer those gentle nudges of "Where are you?" What's going on with your blog?" I've been getting.

First, again, thank you for asking. I am grateful and, as they say, humbled that not only do people actually read this little red thing of mine, but even notice when it's gone. 

But it needed to be. It has become abundantly clear that I needed to focus on my non-blog life. 

The Catalyst

Or should I say catalysts, because it's rarely just one thing that causes change in our lives.

This past July while in New York, we learned from a friend of ours in Bocas del Toro that our old landlord Cher, a really lovely woman, had been murdered. By a serial killer. It almost sounds like a joke, but clearly, it's not funny. Not in the least.

Then, when I got back to Argentina after Burning Man, I learned that another friend of ours from Salta, Diego, had also been murdered. I don't really understand what happened. Apart from some vague intimations about it being a gay-related crime, that the murderer was an exotic dancer.... Quite frankly, that's when I stopped listening. Those details aren't the core of the matter. It is more that a really decent person is now dead for no reason at all.

It really fucks with a girl's head, you know?

I Wanted To Blog, I Really Did But...

I stopped writing soon after I heard about Cher's murder. Since then, the idea of writing about what was going on in my head just felt wrong, but to write about something else seemed forced and a waste of my time. I’d rather paint with Lila or hang with Noah or do something altogether different.

So that's what I did.

I Don't Want To Be Too Late For What's Most Important

With all the traveling, running around, trying to develop programs, meeting people and posting, I felt I never had time for anything. My life too often felt like a massive unfinished to-do list and I was always working to reach a constantly moving horizon.

If I continued like that, I would miss out on my real world. So I had to let go of the online world for a while.

My hits were at an all time high when I stopped writing, and I’ve watched them fall, fall fall, as well as watched how my connections with many of the people I know online have faded. That has been hard to see.

But I had intended give Diego a call and get together sometime, soon. By the time I got around to it, I was too late. I don't want to say the same about Lila or Noah or the other people who are most important to me. I want to be truly present in their lives and mine.

Making A Commitment To Real Life & Community

This week, Noah and I will sign the papers to buy a house here in Salta. It will be our home, yes, but it will also be a community center for traveling artists, writers and teachers. (And will be filmed for an upcoming episode of House Hunters International. We're even flying to NY in February to do some filming there.)

 

So far, we’ve formed connections with local universities and non-profit organizations. We plan to use the internet and social media as a tool to connect students between countries, allowing them to share their work with each other as well as with bring in international artists, writers and photographers, travelers and educators.

The goal of our program, though, goes beyond a creative exchange to an initiative to teach English, keep students in school and ultimately improve their economic prospects by connecting them with an international community.

We just finished our first semester working with 12 year olds at the experimental high school that is a part of the Universidad Nacional de Salta (la UNSa). Next year, we’ll work with the same group of students, incorporate online and gallery exhibitions of art and photography and are working to begin teaching at the two local universities of Salta.

Does This Mean We Will Be In Salta Forever?

It is unsettling to think of being settled. It is overwhelming, too, to commit to one place after being on the move for almost five years.

The underlying assumption of our program is that since it is based on the people, the needs and the soul of Salta, it will not need us permanently to continue growing. We are here until our work here is finished;then we will move on. 

Paper Mache Butterfly Wings and Walks By the River

Along the way of designing the project, I stopped to design paper mache butterfly wings with Lila. We picked dandelions by the side of the river flowing near our house. I stepped away from the to-do long enough to start weekly belly dancing classes with a really fabulous teacher. Someone who will be teaching as part of our community center.

And maybe, just maybe, I've learned a bit to accept that the most important thing I want to realize in this life of mine is how to be patient and not be too attached to any one outcome, because the bottom line is you never know what happens next.

Comments

[Leigh]

Lovely post. Getting away from the grind and off the treadmill often shows us the way forward.

[Erin]

Good to have you back! That's great about the house too - it sounds like you have some exciting plans. We miss Argentina!

[susanna a.k.a. cheap like me]

Leigh, so sorry for the losses that have touched your world. You are wise to make the decisions you need to make. I've had to make some of those choices, too -- it's so easy to get wrapped up in the online world, and the online world can be so wonderful, but it's important to remember that connections that slip away when you walk away aren't the strongest connection, or the ones that will be there when you need them. And congrats on the house and plans! So great! I can't wait to see you on House Hunters International!!

[JoAnna]

I haven't gone anywhere, Leigh. :)

I look forward to following your new projects.

[Heather]

Good to read your update Leigh - no pressure to respond to that how's life' email I just sent you this morning!

I'm so glad you've been able to get away and reprioritize - so often we get stuck in the same patterns and feel like we NEED to do certain things in our online world/work world/etc. when we actually do have the freedom to do other things. I need to remind myself of that often...

Congrats on the house - I'm stoked about what you guys are doing with the community center. Looking forward to hearing about it when you do check in with the online world. : )

[Jonathan Evans]

The community centre sounds like a great idea - good luck with that and everything else!

[Hal Amen]

wow. wonderful post on loss and growth.

[Alice]

So glad to see you back, but sorry for the loss of those around you. Congratulations on the house! You'll have to let us know when the House Hunters episode will air.

[Candice]

So so so glad to have you back!

[Erica]

GAH! LEIGH! *HUGGLES*

Good lord lady. I am so happy to hear that you are pushing forward in your life and it sounds like you will be ringing in some amazing projects. I will see you soon enough lady. I miss your beautiful face and refreshing energy.

Besos!

[Leigh Shulman]

Most definitely, Leigh. I have to make sure I weave it into my daily life now that I'm back online. (At least I'm pretty sure I'm back).

Funny, too. When I first saw your comment, I got confused. I so rarely see people who spell their names the way we do. I was sure I hadn't posted a comment on my own blog post.

*foreheadsmack*

[Leigh Shulman]

Thanks, Erin. Argentina misses you, too. But it sounds like you also have exciting things happening. Love to you and Si.

[Leigh Shulman]

Hey Susanna,

Thank you. And I agree. Those people who disappear entirely because I'm not RTing their posts or commenting on their blogs regularly are probably not connections that I need. Even with the fickle nature of the online world, with so much information coming at us that it's easy to be distracted, we still go back to those that have meaning for us.

I'd love to catch up some time, though. Hear what's going on with you. Maybe a skype sometime?

[Leigh Shulman]

Hey JoAnna,

Thank you! I guess you are one of those connections Susanna and I were talking about above. The kind that mean something. Looking forward to seeing where your 21st country will be, as well as our other project. xoL

[Leigh Shulman]

It's funny, Heather. Because it's the kind of update e-mail you sent that I have been able to respond to. Because it's real life. In spite of my absence in the blog platform, I've found so many people have connected with me, offered a listening ear, and basically been amazing. I feel like there's this group of people around me -- albeit thousands of miles away -- to whom I can turn for talk. Although talk goes on in e-mail.

I do wish I had more of that kind of community here in Argentina. But it is developing. There are so many amazing, giving people here, who have helped us incredibly and made us really feel like we belong here. It's also why creating a center feels so right.

I'll write back more in response to your e-mail.

[Leigh Shulman]

Thanks, Jonathan. I hope you'll be part of it. You're not too far away. :)

[Leigh Shulman]

Thanks, Hal.

It's funny. A lot of the things going through my mind the last few months reminded me of what went through my head after the WTC fell. We lived across the water and actually saw it fall. Kind of like a smack to the head that reality isn't what you think it is.

Sucks when it happens but there are so many important lessons in it.

I only wish I didn't feel so serious about everything, but perhaps that's just part of who I am.

OK, philosophizing -- or whatever it is I'm doing -- again. Time to stop.

[Leigh Shulman]

Thanks, Alice. I'll definitely let you know when I do.

I'm hoping I'll be able to take some video or write when we're going through the filming process. I don't want to promise anything in particular quite yet, but it is exciting. And weird to think we'll be on House Hunters.

[Leigh Shulman]

Awww... thanks, Candice. At least, I hope I'm back back. I think I am.

[Leigh Shulman]

Hey sweet Erica,

Really looking forward to seeing you again. Hopefully our center will be up and running by the time you arrive, but you know you have a place to stay either way.

Will be good to spend some time and see each other outside of Burning Man, too. That is such a rarefied space. We act and feel so differently there. In some ways, I'm hoping to bring a bit of a daily burn into my life with this community center (It will have a chill space. I've already picked the room. And I have hula hoops, scarves, and am looking for drums. Would love for you to help me design some of it, too. No pressure, tho. You know how it is.)

[Jordin]

I just started reading your blog earlier this summer. I don't even remember when or how I came across it. But I'm happy I did. I can relate to this, I too am a traveler. And while I was away working in Wyoming this past August one of my best friends that I had known for 17 years died in a car accident. The last face to face conversation we had was hardly a conversation. We grew into two completely different people, and couldn't hardly hold on to each other any longer. Yet, struggling to try. We had a little phone chat just weeks before the roads took her life and for the first time in a long time our hearts connected. I'm thankful every day since then that we had those honest last moments. I guess what I'm trying to say is, spend every moment with every person you encounter as if it is your last. And when it was that last moment, always try to make sure it was a good one. I am deeply sorry that both of your friends passed under such gruesome circumstances. I know you don't know me, and I don't know you. But I am honestly and truly from the bottom of my heart sorry for your loss.

Sincerely, Jordin.

[Daniel N.]

Glad to read you again Leigh! So happy you took a long break, sometimes we just need to get away and find ourselves again.

[Ayngelina]

How overwhelming it must have all been. It was the right thing to take a break, we´re all still here patiently waiting and looking forward to your writing on the next stage in your life.

[Leigh Shulman]

Jordin,

Thanks for commenting. I guess you started reading here about the time I stopped writing.

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. That you were able to connect before she died is truly priceless. It won't make her loss easier, and won't take away the what-could-have-beens, but it does mean your last moments are without regret.

But I also know how a death really leaves a hole. I think you do eventually get used to it, but it's sort of becoming accustomed to a new norm.

I am also truly sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing it.

[Leigh Shulman]

Yeah. It's a constant process. Finding. Losing. Finding. Losing. Or maybe that's just me.

Thanks, Dan. I'm really happy to know you!

[Leigh Shulman]

Thanks, Ayngelina. I can't tell you how much that means to me.

And btw, I can't think of your name without smiling, because yes, bacon truly is magic...

[Jen Hall]

Hello my dear!
So wonderful to hear your voice today, as always. My run went very well--we'll see how the knees hold up at work tomorrow. Speaking of work, there's a line at the end of your latest blog posting that resonates with me: "the most important thing....is....to be patient and not be too attached to any one outcome". That should be etched in enormous capital letters above the entrance to the Labor & Delivery unit of every hospital. Seriously.

[MaryAnne]

I hadn't even realized you had stopped blogging because I'd seen you on FB so often. I'm glad you maintained that connection, given all the horrible things you've been through in the past few months. I'm totally stoked about your new plans and hope everything goes brilliantly.

[gotpassport]

Good to have you back, Leigh. Though far away we are geographically, I'm thankful we have gotten to "know" each other via social media. Excited for you and the new projects.... .

[Christine Garvin]

Life is what happens while you are blogging ;)

The question for the 21st century writer - where is the fine line between sharing your life online and actually living it? I'm sorry, people who keep their blogs updated several times a week are NOT LIVING IT. Or, just have a lot of time on their hands.

Go live it. We'll be here.

[Leigh Shulman]

Except that kind of sign might actually make people panic, no?

Great hearing your voice as well. Always is.

[Leigh Shulman]

Hehe... social media is funny that way. But sometimes hard to keep up with it all.

Thanks for your good wishes for the program. And yes, we will be sending out a call for artists soon.

[Leigh Shulman]

I was just having a similar conversation (offline) with the above poster Gotpassport.

Oddly, now that I'm "back", I feel renewed energy because I feel like I'm writing and tweeting about something that is truly important to me. Not that I didn't care about previous posts, but it was different.

Besos.

[Leigh Shulman]

Me, too. A. It's been wonderful getting to know you. It is too bad our separate work keeps us on opposite sides of the planet, but one day....

[Audrey]

I was quite happy when I saw there was a new post in my RSS reader for The Future is Red. Glad to see you writing again, but more importantly I'm really thrilled with your plans for the community center and your work with universities and students. Look forward to following along with your projects.

[pam]

Wow. I'm glad you're writing again. I'm really sorry about your losses, I can't imagine the shock, I just cant, and again, I am so sorry.

And your project in Salta sounds awesome times 400 and I hope that someday, I will see it with my own eyes. Congratulations.

[Heather]

I totally understand where you're coming from. We've been moving so much that I feel it's been impossible to build strong community where we're physically living.

Aside from family, the relationships I put time into and am truly encouraged by mostly take place online. Often I feel the majority of people I'm physically interacting with just aren't interested in the same spheres of life and so the conversation/relationship remains shallow.

I find my virtual community (expat friends, college friends, Matador peeps) to be so supportive, especially considering we're planning to move again in a year or two and have no idea where we'll end up, but at the same time I miss having an 'on the ground' community to physically connect with. It kind of hit home the other day when my husband said something like "why don't you go hang out with one of your girl friends" and I realized I didn't have any close friends within driving distance.