How, Exactly, Did I End Up Here With You?

Someone posted a comment here a few months ago saying something along the lines of how Noah and I must really like each other a lot in order to travel together the way we do. I suppose she's right. We must like each other. We must also work together really well. Seamlessly.

Right?

When I look through the posts I've written over the last year and a half, I notice that I have many about parenting, religion, family, so many other things, but not a single one about relationships. That must mean something.

Noah and I always have a lot going on. Where to go? How to get there? How long to stay? Where to stay? What to eat? How much will it cost? What will Lila do? How is Lila doing? Where can we find other kids for her to play? Where will she go to school? How is she adapting to the change? What will we do during the days with her?

And somewhere in there, the Noah and Leigh part of the equation becomes fuzzy.

Add to that a continual change of culture. You see, things move at a very different pace in Argentina. From what I can tell, no one plans ahead. Oh, they may have an idea of what the plan could be, but no one would consider telling you it's a finalized plan until the very last minute, because, quite frankly, things change. 

Add to that, all of us have adapted to the Argentinian schedule. Oh, and it's a wonderful way of life, really. It seems the day, in many ways, revolves around dinner, which doesn't even think of beginning until 10pm. This means, even if we eat earlier than most, Lila still doesn't go to bed until 11pm. Often not falling asleep until after midnight. She then wakes up at noon, at which point there's a rush to eat, dress, and head out for our day's activity.

Add to that, we are always together, rarely have time alone and generally spend most of our time in relatively small apartments and rooms with no real personal space at all.

We put ourselves on hold. We come last because so many other things need immediate attention.

Noah and I have been together a long time, almost twenty years.That's a good decade of marriage longer than many of the people we know our age. Over that time, I've learned a few things.

1. All couples fight. Our fights are much more mellow these days then they were in the past. Partly because there is a little girl around to hear them. Partially because we just don't have the energy or patience for huge dramatic arguments.

2. That you will not always be 100% (or even 50%) sure of each other. A friend of mine complained to me that she and her husband of 4 years were getting along horribly. She didn't like his family. She didn't like the way he interacted with their new son. She didn't feel he understood what it was like to be home all day with a child with colic (that I'm sure he didn't.) I began saying "Noah and I have been together long enough..." when she interrupted me. "Yes, I'm sure you guys don't have these petty fights anymore."

"Lord no," I told her. "I was going to say, we've been together long enough to know that at some point every relationship will go through a time when you seriously consider ending it."

Truthfully, it's when you work your way through those times that the marriage becomes stronger. It's easy to think of the day he proposed with a smile. Try doing the same when you think of the time she threatened to end things. Or he walked out angry one morning and didn't return or even call until well after dark. When you both thought "This is it. I can't live with this shit anymore."

3. You will repeat the same fights over and over for years and years. Some fights remain. A few drop off to be replaced by others, but mainly, it's the same thing year after year. Some see the lack of resolution as sign that the marriage isn't working. I've learned that that is simply the nature of tying your life to and living with another human being, especially when you spend a lot of time together. In the words of an old friend of mine, someone who happens to be the rector of an Episcopal church in New Jersey, "You marry the person who aggravates the least."

I suppose over the time, we've mellowed. The fights aren't as intense. We've learned to put off the issues and discussions until a more appropriate time. We've learned how to simply overlook some of those things, accept that your partner isn't going to change, accept that some of those things you can't stand, that you thought would be a relationship deal-breaker are simply part of your life now.

We are still learning to differentiate between those things that are important to bring back to the table for discussion and those that can be safely buried.

So with all this mess, how do you know if you should simply just end it? That, I can't answer because that is not my concern.

Right now, we are once again in between places. We leave this particular apartment in about a week. I'm not sure where we're going next. Possibly directly to Salta. Possibly to do some WWOOFING - work in exchange for room and board in a nearby community. I don't know yet.

On Friday, I'm going with a friend to a WWOOF site called Eco-Yoga Park just outside of Buenos Aires to see what's there and make sure they have room for us. If they do, we'll go for a week. If not, we will go to Salta. Whatever happens, we will have to make plans, and they will have to be made quickly.

Once all this has been figured out, once we arrive in Salta and have a place of our own, once Lila is settled in a daily routine with other children, then Noah and I will be able to talk. Sometimes it feels like that moment, that time will never arrive. But it will. It always does.

Comments

[Susanna a.k.a. Cheap Like Me]

Lovely post. So true (as I can say with 13 years under my belt). I read once that couples who have been married 50+ years tend to have something like 5-8 recurring issues on which their fights center, where they basically just agree to disagree ... safe travels.

[Leigh Shulman]

Thanks, Susanna. I feel like I've changed so much since in this regard since N and I first met. Far more than I ever thought possible. Can't even imagine what it's like after 50 years.

[kit]

I love reading your blog. I can just *hear* your voice in my head and it makes me smile. Did you know that yours was the first wedding of a non-relative I ever went to? And Rachel sat next to me and explained everything to me. :) Anyway, I'm thrilled to be vicariously sharing in your adventures and your wisdom and your laughter. Big hugs to you and Noah and Lila.