Last year, I wrote a long involved post for this blog about the meaning of High Holidays. The perceived meanings. The actual meanings. The meaning to me.
When I read it to Noah, as I sometimes do before posting, he raised an eyebrow and asked. "You're really going to post that?"
I really was, but after a day or two of thought, decided against it. Why? It was angry. It was invective. And it goes against everything I want this blog to be.
This blog began as a semi-public journal of our travels meant for friends and family. As time passed, more people read it. Then a few more. Then a few more. Now, it seems there are hundreds reading and following along, which really is quite amazing to me.
My idea of what this thing should be has also changed. While the content, I think, does not yet reflect that quite yet, it will eventually, and if I've learned anything along the last year or two is that patience is your friend. As long as I keep moving forward, however slowly, it will happen.
The saying goes: May you be sealed in the book of life and sealed well.
Sealed? I don't like that idea of sealed. Who wants to be "sealed" into anything. That just strikes me as being stuck, laminated over with plastic and left with no room to breathe. No. Instead, I like to think of this as the inking of pen to paper, the continuation of a story -- a metaphor to which I can relate on many levels. Even better, it allows for forward movement.
My holy day post from last year reflected all that I saw wrong. Wrong with the world, my religion, my family. While it most certainly did not name names, and it came as straight arrow honesty, well, it wasn't the right thing to do. Believe it or not, I try my best to do the right thing with whatever information I have at that moment. What more is there to do?
There is also a custom of asking forgiveness from all those you may have hurt over the last year.
I am a big fan of honesty but sometimes convince myself it is alright to say or do something because it is honest. I have also been known to lose my temper and say or do things that were best left undone and unsaid. Over time, I have learned that silence is often a better choice even though silence is as easily misinterpreted as words.
It is not easy to apologize, because apologies mean you are wrong. Who among us embraces error? I rail against apologizing because I have also been hurt. Where are all the apologies owed to me?
Yes, yes, a silly, childish thought, but again, it is honest. An honesty, I believe echoed in the thoughts of others, even if you don't admit it. Then agian, even if I did hear the apologies I desire, I'm not sure I woudl believe them. Apologies mean nothing without follow up action.
Now as sundown approaches on this evening of Yom Kippur, I say thank you again. Thank for being a part of my life. I also apologize for anything I may have said or done that was hurtful. Some of it, I'm sure, was inadvertant. Some of it, because I chose not to pay attention. Some for other reasons altogether. Please know, though, that nothing I have said or done came from spite or the desire to hurt others. I have no desire to hurt anyone. It is just not worth it. On any level.
What is my action, here, though, that would lead you to believe my mea culpa. I'm not yet sure.
For now, I wish you all a good future. One of growth and potential. One of new experience and joy.
Gamar chatima tova.