Ben and I worked together at MTV something like a decade ago. Over the last year, we've been corresponding more, and dare I say it, becoming friends again after a long time of no contact. And often in his e-mails, he tells me to keep writing, keep going, and that I am an inspiration.
An inspiration! Wow!
After reading the last e-mail, one to which I still owe a reply, I realized that it is actually Ben that inspires me. Each time I get an e-mail or comment from him, he says something that makes me want to continue doing whatever it is I'm doing. Not to give up.
And I'll tell you, that is exactly what Ben has done all these years. When we first met, Ben had a dream of becoming a rock star. He played shows, produced his own albums, kept a blog of his daily life with music as a center feature. All the while, he produced websites for MTV News. Then later on, after I left the company, he became an executive producer and is now a Vice President. In short, he is a very successful music industry executive working for one of the most well known companies in the world.
Sometimes I wonder what my life and work would be like had I stayed at MTV. Or what if I had moved to another company and continued working my way up that particular path. Would I, could I too have been a mover and shaker in my field? After all, we both started as Producers in Online at a time when no one thought much about it. A web page with words and maybe a flashing graphic was enough to wow, that is if anyone managed to read it. We were both there at the beginning. We were both firmly in our twenties.
But no, it wasn't for me. MTV is a carnival. Always moving, always changing, always laughing or jumping. Lunch breaks, when we had them, took us through Times Square at it's most insane. I remember once watching the Nation of Israel preaching anti-white rhetoric on one corner. The Biker Grannies for Good TV singing in a gospel choir while tens of huge mustachioed bikers with their bikes clapped and danced on another corner. Meanwhile, a group of very confused looking tourists meandered past wearing cowboy hats and boots, jeans tucked into the boots. No irony. Yes, did i mention that NY is a big, sarcastic, sometimes angry carnival? My head couldn't take all the movement, so I left, went uptown and started a masters in creative writing at City College. I also started writing again, because, no, I had not written a word of my own fiction in the three years I worked at MTV.
At City, I returned to writing. I shared writing, read others. That's when I started teaching, everything from poetry workshops for sixth graders in one of those sort of typical NYC public schools to undergraduate composition. I won a couple awards, published some short stories and even poetry, started a poetry festival and a reading series.
Ben, though, never stopped his music while at MTV. He formed new bands, played solo and put out more albums. He also digitized his music and you can download it as well as buy CDs. Sometimes, he'll say somewhat wistfully that he'll probably never be a rock star.
All of us have our doubts. Lord knows I do. I haven't published anything at all since Lila was born, although I have been writing. It is difficult, also, to maintain when most people define the writer by what they can buy and read by that person. I know this because 99% of the time, the first question people ask when they learn I'm a writer is "What have you published?"
But I am a writer. I know this because I am involved with writing every single day of my life. Be that writing, reading, or talking about writing. Just as Ben is a musician because that is what he does in some way every day. But when I hear that question, "What have you published," it seeds discontent. Am I doing enough? Why have I not published more? Will I ever publish and how much is enough to make me a viable writer? None of these, by the way, useful questions to the writer.
Then I get a message like the comment Ben left on my last post. I find myself buoyed to continue my own work, not just by his words but by his example as well.
Whatever happens, I will keep writing, and when it comes right down to it, that's what's most important. All of us hit dead ends, all of us will fail -- often miserably and painfully -- at one point or another, but the only sure way to never reach a goal is to let it go.
