I don't have too much to say today, but posting is great procrastination from the huge pile of stuff sitting in front of me. Stuff like all our clothes. I stayed in today to switch the summer clothes we took to Europe with the winter ones we left in Atlanta which will be switched again before we leave for Panama. There's also all the other stuff we left at my parent's place. We've been going through it. Clothes, paintings, Lila's books and clothes and so much other stuff I forgot we had. It is now chaos.
That's me today. Chaos. That and a mind completely discombobulated by the events of the past few weeks. Between the wedding,family, traveling, more traveling, seeing old friends, making new friends, some disappointments, more joys and suprises, my new Facebook account which has me in touch with people I haven't talked to in years, too many late nights, more drinks than I'm used to drinking and leaving NY, I am tired and confused.
Yes, I know we left NY in May, but we knew we'd be back for Elana's wedding. Yes, yes, I know we left NY again in June, but, again, we knew we'd be back for Rachel's wedding. Now there are no more wedding, no events, no obligations, thus I have no idea when we'll be back. Could be months. Could be years. And unlikely as it may now seem, it could be never.
So I am a bit sad and a lot nostalgic. I am also angry. After six months of traveling on our own, we were completely separated from family chaos. (You know, when I was a kid, i used to think the word "ganza" meant crazy.) Over the months, I forgot about all the things that had me upset, angry, indignant, or whatever other emotion might be felt. Then, we spent two months entirely immersed in the stuff. There were upsets, hurts intentional and unintentional, judgements, talking behind backs, sniping, lying, pretending, accusations. It brought much of what I wanted to forget right into the forefront.
A couple people literally refused to speak to us. Some we just pretended that everything is fine, fine, how are you, how was your trip, what are you up to, but we all know there is more to be said and done. The free-flowing alcohol at the wedding helped make this much more comfortable. You know the saying that you know a person by her pocket, her anger and her cup? Well, the five grapefruit and vodkas spoke very well for me. I am a very happy drunk.
But is was a wedding, so there really was no time or space to rehash old hurts, which was both right and a relief. Although, one person did accuse me of causing my own drama, which thanks again to the vodka, it didn't bother me too much. That, and we're now playing Scrabble on Facebook, so clearly all is forgiven. Right?
But I digress. Where was I?
Family. What are you gonna do? They will make you crazier than anyone else can. I feel like I am not myself around them. They make me angry and hurt all the time. They criticize, talk behind my back and pretend to be helpful when they know very well that what they are doing is detrimental. They know how to push buttons. With family, you are the same person you were five years ago, ten years ago and even thirty years ago. Every story, every think you've ever done, be it funny, embarrassing, sweet or bad is fair game for conversation. Usually at the most inappropriate times.
But... with who else but family can someone ignore you one day and two days later, you're sitting in their kitchen forking pumpkin pie straight from the pie tin. Who else but family can you just ignore the huge elephant in the room just for an evening, because you no choice. You will always be connected. You will always be called upon for different engagements. Your children will always want to play with theirs. I don't know how Lila knows the difference, but she loves her cousins more than anyone. No one but Chana could wash and brush Lila's hair. No one but Sabrina could so easily convince Lila to use the potty and no more diapers (which to avoid later embarrassment for Lila, this happened well over a year ago). And with no one but family, do I feel comfortable leaving Lila to run around and play. I don't have to keep my eye on her, never worry about where she is or what she's doing, because I know someone will always have an eye on her. Someone who loves her and cares about her as much as I do.
Some people walk away from their families. How they do it, I don't know.